hearingnseeing
Hearing and seeing God in everyday lifeArchive for death
52 Weeks
Tomorrow is the actual anniversary day, the 10th. The date never made a difference to me except on June 10th, a Wednesday, a full gestational age. Wednesdays have been the marker for passage of a time that has not moved at all. Today is 52 weeks. That many ago I shouted, “Donuts!” to wake the 13-year-old. It was our stop before the doctor for his toe. I brought him home, went to a hair appointment and returned not 60 minutes later, looking for my son who will never return to me. Again, why could the Lord have not given me a flat tire that day? Suicide kills so many things.
There is no object lesson here or hearing some quaint quip or seeing something worth describing. Not this post. But writing has always helped me feel better. And so I think of my family and friends who have been with me this frozen time. I think of the Lord who allows, who gives and takes away. I think of His Peace and Comfort, even if I am that child who is hurting, refusing the band-aid because it might hurt when removed. I think of the trip with my family today to a quiet place and worry over the quiet moments. I think of Jesus who wept tears of blood waiting for the time to begin before his last hours. I weep thinking of these next few days, the last of my firsts without my son for me and my other children, knowing a little of the courage to endure. Already the phone calls and texts from loving family and friends break me down every time. Yet, again, writing has always helped and so I share with you. If any encouragement is to be had, know that I have survived, and small as it is, a hope to thrive remains, and maybe, just maybe, on this side of Heaven as well.
Isaiah 61.
The World-Old Question
I have just a minute to post here on this balmy Saturday morning and have just a quick “hearing” for you. If you’ve read my older posts you know I am still wearing black for mourning, so to speak. I have wondered many times over these months if the “hearingnseeing” from the Lord would come, that my internal radio frequency is too full of static to really hear, the sound of myself and selfish grief too much in the way. But between you and me, I heard something the other morning; and if my tuner is off, it is likely not the Lord who is far away . . .
I live in snow goose country. Flocks of snow geese and the Canadian birds shelter here and cover the sky minutes at a time in their wanderings. The other morning, a large honking flock flew directly over my house. I sleep on the second floor with a vaulted ceiling, no insulation between me and the sounds of the night — wind, coyotes, thunder. And last week, in the early dawn hours, a flock woke me and gave me something to hear — that which draws one out of self and into thoughts of God’s creation, a pathway to meditating on His sovereignty.
Here’s the thing: That same morning, my next door neighbor died alone in his bed. His family had gone out of town for the night to a sporting function for the teenager, my neighbor not feeling well enough to go. Some of his parting words were that he was tired and just needed rest. He went to sleep and would wake up with Jesus sometime in the early dawn hours. He was my son’s mentor and a father figure and a friend. As I reflected later, it was not a hard stretch of my lowly earthly mind to view those lovely birds as a tribute to him at quite possibly the time of his passing, maybe even, if I could see like that, the very ushers of his soul to Heaven, lover of nature as he was.
These are hard times in my soul and in the world and many ask the world-old question of where is God when all these bad things happen, taking a young man away in the prime of his life, away from his soul-mate and children and all the young men he mentored on the baseball field — in France, in Washington, in every newspaper. I think it is not so much where is God in these times as it is where are we in the searching of Him?
Two verses come to mind today: Isaiah 55: 6, Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on Him while He is near; and James 4:8, Come near to God and He will come near to you. There is much more to the meaning of these verses in the Scriptures before and after them … I would tell you, but I think that is part of the seeking and coming. May your journey in this regard be full of blessing and may we remember to pray for each other in these hard times.
Thirteen Years
As I was walking this morning I passed by a place where last summer a boy lost his rocket. I happened to be walking there when he and his grandfather were searching in an uncut field near the school grounds where he had shot it off. Poor boy, and he was supposed to enter it into the fair the next week. They had already been looking hours and just could not find it.
Sometimes hearing and seeing God is so easy — quaint, simple, astounding, aha moments, the gamut. But when something is lost and never to be found or had again, the clarity of Providence might wane to what we can see, be limited by what we can feel.
God’s promises are true and He will never leave us. God’s promises are true and these things will work out to His glory somehow. God’s promises are true and His idea of hope far surpasses our idea of just having things turn out all right. God’s promises are true and His love will see us through. When we cannot hear or see God, it does not change the truth that God is still there.
So one day I will see you again, John, but now my eyes remain blurry and the only thing I hear are the haunts in my head. Dear reader, it is your turn to hear and see God for me, pray for me, grieve with me. You have read about this boy that I have written about on occasion, my middle child, and so in a small way you have shared in his life. He is gone now and I will never be the same for he took much of me with him to a place that is not mine yet. So please honor him by seeking to hear and see God today, reach out to Him without delay, love, forgive, endeavor to pursue Christ. I cannot do this yet today, save for this sad post, but maybe you can. Soon I will write again because God is God and He has never been absent or hidden himself from me, greatest lover of my soul. I will hear and see again.
With forever love to John.
Dust, cancer and crazy people
Why is it in this beautiful and peaceful morning, the sun warming this very spot through my eastern window, that all I see at the moment is the dust flying all around me and covering my keyboard? I remember as a kid trying to catch the dust, watching it lift and float, blowing it away — and now knowing I’m breathing that stuff in!
No dust at your house? Wow. Wouldn’t know what that is like. This is the second time in my adult life that I’ve had such a window to be near with the sun as blessed company. The first time was as a newlywed. That was when I really started a walk with the Lord and didn’t fall back from. College was full of those fits and starts of a Christian walk mixed with rebellion and sin in between, but that window drew me in. Later, I’d put my firstborn down for a midmorning nap and meet God at the table. That sleeping baby reminded me keenly of his need for a spiritual upbringing — and that meant I needed to continue my journey for good this time.
It stuck. A few years later, I knew my daughter would die from her brain tumor. That table, that sunshine, that relationship I had fostered and the Lord had blossomed kept me going. I look back at her death as intermingled with blessing I don’t have time here to retell.
And so I came down here to type something — it is another one of those Praise God days where I am rejoicing in my soul. I was going to write about that . . . but the dust got in my way.
Dust and death will occur. Our response could be where is God in the bad or how could He let this or that happen. I would respond that He is right there and seen in even deeper ways than in the good moments. Cancer and crazy people will have their way because it is a fallen world. In my experience, searching out the Creator is the only way to fix anything here. He is the One who made us, knows us, fulfills us even in our greatest moments of anger and sorrow. He might not fix things, but He will fix us.
It is still a Praise God day. I get to wear silly Christmas clothes and go to a 1st grade party. My burnt caramel corn from last night gets to be a treat for us instead of “don’t eat that because it’s for someone else.” The blizzard yesterday has left us with clean, fresh air for today. I will still be mindful and prayerful for the heartbroken burying children today ~ I know only a fraction of their pain, but I believe wholly in the God of Comfort and it is He whom I praise this day!
Isaiah 51:12a “I, even I, am he who comforts you.”
Legacy
I found out today that a wonderful, lovely, strong woman has been given her ticket to Heaven. It is not stamped yet, but this will probably be her last Easter.
That fills me with conflicting emotions. I am sad as I always am when I am left behind to grieve. But where she gets to go!!! I wonder if we could see a glimpse of that side of Heaven we would not be so hesitant to get there.
If it was me, and someday, Lord willing, it will be, I would be flooded with wonderings of what I have left behind. Have I left any legacy at all? I think of my grandmother who made it a point to use her stuff — china dishes, and give it away or share it when she could — the jewelery box to my daughter. I think of my mother who you could always hear above everyone else the response, “He is risen indeed!!” This, of course, occurred every Easter at the church I grew up at when the pastor stated, “He is risen!” I think of my 2nd grade Sunday school teacher years ago and the little cards she made for us with Scriptures to memorize. She really cared!
But in my heritage, there are the stories of that aunt, that cousin, that grandmother, etc. Obviously not all that we are remembered by is good.
So this Easter, as I think about what was done on that day of greatest darkness and greatest anticipation, I am hopeful. No doubt my kids will have memories of my Monster Mom moments to laugh at in years to come. But I hope I have kindled a belief in them that will last an eternity.
Happy Easter . . . He is risen indeed!!
John 14:1-4 (NIV) “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. I my father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the way to the place where I am going.”
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